I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I could fuck to npr.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
