I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
