So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
