nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
