just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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