I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
