OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he puts the penis in happiness.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
