Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
