Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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