What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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