My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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