After last night, I could never be a politician.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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