You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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