I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you didnt know i had herpes?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
