Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if only i could text you this smell
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
