i already hear my dad disowning me
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
