Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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