A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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