i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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