I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
