in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
