i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
