forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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