I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
