If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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