my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
