Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
