Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
