i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A bitchslap is in order.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
