dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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