And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
