Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
