What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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