So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
