party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
