I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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