You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
