New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
