you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
