worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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