I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
