I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone signed my nipple.
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