I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
