u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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