I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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