girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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