every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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