i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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