The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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