fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
