So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are my feet made of real feet?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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