Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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