My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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