i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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