my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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