I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
